Vancan Outta The Blue

Eulogy: RIP KB3’s Tooth
December 7, 2011, 15:03
Filed under: Archived: Hockey | Tags: , , , , ,

Photo courtesy of

By Josh Hall

A gap now suffices for thee

Whom a mouth was not enough.

Dense, United, Shiny, Elven.

Conference Finals History.

32 Teeth.

The Sneaky Shot King.

He Scored As They Watched.

Nay was it the man housing the tooth,

Hath made glory rain on the house of Roger,

But the tooth itself shining bright upon the fans,

And let out a burst of brilliance matched by only those wiser.

It did it the hard way.

Dodging vulcanized rubber hither and tither.

It did what any tooth would do for its Elven master.

Took one for the team.

It is on this day we remember Kevin Bieksa’s tooth. Glorious were its days as the d-man’s best friend. Kevin looked down on no one more fluoride…I mean fondly than his left front tooth. A mighty part of the mandible it was, providing Kevin with a safe environment for chewing other player’s fingers should he have ever chosen to follow the steps of team-mates Burr and Lappy. Dentist Recchi would be so proud (everyone knows dentists aren’t real doctors).

Word is that Todd Bertuzzi was in attendance and he said simply, “It is what it is.” And how filling…I mean, uh, fitting that is for him to be there on a night that Kevin Bieksa’s fine and fandangled tooth was attacked viciously by an elbow (and against Colorado). Ironically David Jones claims the tooth only fell out because of Bieksa clutching at his mouth with all his little fingers jamming away at it. Go figure.

Alas, the days of the tooth need not be over. Sometime when the Canucks ice team brushed…DAMMIT I mean shoveled the on ice snow, that poor, lost chomper was moved to his new residence, via said shovel. His new home now being a giant pile of ice and snow in the bowels of Rogers Arena. Reportedly the shovel used was none other than the one used by Marty McSorley to hit Donald Brashear in the skull…rest his career.

The attention at long last turns back to the Elven one, ears and all. Well he must not be forgotten for he must now live a life that forces him to try and fill a void everyday….with his tongue.

Rest in peace little Tooth and may you find friendship in the arms of Brendan Morrison’s lost bit.


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